HEY GIRLS! WANNA GET FREAKY WITH THE HOTTEST GUY ALIVE EVER IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD? HERE’S HOW!

FML, it’s such a drag when you’ve dedicated ALL of your bedroom wall space and ALL your fantasy space to a guy who is happily married and has step-kids, it makes me almost wanna cry! Ashton Kutcher is such a hotty, and he’s so funny as well. I’m hot and I can make a good joke – I swear we were meant to be together, but that bitch Demi Moore only went and got in the bloody way. IT’S SO UNFAIR :–(

But if you’re clever, like me (and girl, you’re clever alright!) you should know that there’s only one way to a married man’s heart, you have to fake being a nanny OBV!

You want Ashton? You want these tips…

HOW CAN I IMPRESS HIM?

Ashton loves a bit of a laugh so here’s a list of funny and cool jokes and phrases to say to him!

• A bear walks in to a bar and takes a while to order his drink, “I’ll have a errrrrrr beer,” the bear says. The barman asks, “why the long pause?” in which the bear replies “How INCREDIBLE rude Mr Barman! It’s because I’m a bear!” the barman then responds back with, “EEEK!! A TALKING BEAR!” (teehee!!!)
• You’ve been Punkd!! (To say after pushing him in to a punk)
• DUDE WHERE’S MY BRA?

WARNING: Don’t say all of them on the same day, as you will then be stuck for what to say the following day.

BUT WHAT ABOUT DEMI?

Easy! Go onto sites such as Twitter, Wikipedia and Perez Hilton so you can find out as much about her as possibly, possible. You want to find out her allergies (to eventually poison that rat), her pet peeves (to slyly irritate the hell out of that bitch) and most importantly, as we’re faking the nanny, her kids names. When you have all of the above, only then will you be eligible of landing the job.

Being overly nice to Mrs Moore will prove to Ashton that you are eligible of taking care of his step-kids.

WHAT ABOUT IF I’M AWFUL WITH KIDS?

Go get a loan from the bank and buy them concert tickets for their favorite band. This will show Ashton how thoughtful and generous you are, which will make him think you’re nice <3 Suggest to Ashton that the two of you take them to the concert. Halfway through the concert, rub your hand on Ashton’s crotch and proclaim, LETS BANG. He’ll be so turned on that the babe will whisk you off your feet and drag you in to the first available bathroom for a night of romance.

Now forget about the kids, lock him in your car, drive to a far away country and have fun.

<3 OMG!! NOW WE CAN ALL HAVE ASHTON KUTCHER! OMG !! <3

Words: GFOTY