We wanted a brand new columnist to come in and completely radicalise our fashion ideas. We were thinking spiky attitude, gutsy trouser choices and trucker hats… We were thinking Ellen DeGeneres. Only the best of the best chat show hosts for us. Plus Ricki Lake wasn’t available. So, here we have the lesbian fashion choices with a special ‘checklist’ at the bottom to make sure you’re equipped for the newest fashion trends this season.. <3
Hi, I’m Ellen!
Some of you may know me from TV, but a lot of you young UK people may not because I’m not on your regular television, I’m only on your super-loads-of-channels televisions, which some of you have, but not all of you. Listen to me rambling on, ramble ramble ramble…
I’m writing this for you today because my amazing pal Super Robot Stephen Hawking (that’s what I call him, it doesn’t offend him) is on holiday! Once again, Philip Normal is too lazy to write the Fashion Fun segment, so he asked Super Robot Stephen to do it and Stephen asked me. So here I am, ramble ramble ramble…
I LOVE fashion and style. Just because I am an out-and-proud lesbian doesn’t mean that I can’t have fun with my clothes! I love to dress up – I’m not always in merino v-neck block colour knits… which, by the by, are great when you have boobs like mine.
Lesbian style is varied and exciting – we get to jingle jangle a big bunch of keys and drive a big van at the same time as wearing a red and white polka-dot dress – AND we get away with it, oh yeah! My friends Enid from Ghost World and Thelma from Scooby Doo like to play crazy golf in Basso and Brooke. Lesbians are the future of cool, because we’re always one step ahead of the hetero-curve.
Don’t think for one cotton-picking minute that I’m discriminating against you straight girl types – I’m not. You British ladies love to sport an androgynous La Roux style quiff, and I applaud you for it… which counts for a lot because I am, here in the U S of A, king of the lesbians.
OK, OK, I get it boys, stop heckling me – you dress like lesbians sometimes too! That vintage cable knit was clearly inspired by lesbian style.
In conclusion, lesbians are super cool – and if you’re not a lesbian, dress like one. Ellen says KEEP ON TRUCKING!
Next month, I’ll be talking about the post-hetero bear explosion. If Stephen is back from his holiday to the moon, I think we might do it together…
Ellen’s Lesbian Style Checklist:
- ‘80s neon fanny pack
- Excess keys (which symbolise our power over men – why should they get all the keys?)
- Oversized sweatshirt
- Wacky-ish spectacle frames
- An ‘I went to London and all I got was this lousy girlfriend’ crop top
- A collection of bowler hats
- Starbucks Loyalty Card
LOVE,
ELLEN!
X
Words: Ellen Degeneres
